First, we talked about how I played tourist guide for a friend from the US over the weekend. On Monday we decided to get drunk and high, which ended in me throwing up for the whole night. Then we shortly talked about an event on climate change I had attended yesterday. I didn't feel any kind of anxiety, which surprised me a bit.

T asked about my medication. Whether I take it regularly and what dose. He asked about side effects, I said I think it makes me a bit sleepy. He said that usually it makes people more awake, but that some also feel sleepy. He said normally that stops after a while. I mentioned how I sleep well, just get sleepy in the afternoon. He asked about feeling sick, headaches and trembling. I don't experience any of that, which is nice. He wanted to know what I think of the med so far. I said I feel a lot less scared. Things that used to trigger me just a few weeks ago and gave me panic attacks now barely bother me. I might get a bit worried, but not like before.
He mentioned that people usually only start to feel effects after a few weeks, but also said how he had the impression for me it was already after a couple of days, which is correct. We decided that I'll stay on the dose I'm on now for the time being.

After some silence, T asked whether I had started reading a book on mindfulness I mentioned last session. I replied that I didn't find time yet, I was busy with the tourist friend. My partner and I met him online and have never met him in person before. T said how that sounds exhausting, to hang out with somebody like that for almost a week every day. I agreed, but said how it got better after we got him high the first time. T wanted to know about some of the substances I mentioned offering the friend, he had never heard of it.

Then we switched to discussing job applications. I have three more interviews coming up and it's exhausting to constantly thing about these things. He wanted to know what kind of things I might be doing and how I feel about it. I said the only thing that worries me is that I'll only be able to come to therapy once a week after I start working. He said we should figure out when we can meet, but I told him I had already told all possible employers that I'd have to take Fridays off. I can't work before or after therapy, before I'm nervous and after I'm tired. And on Friday it's much quieter in his office than on Wednesday.

I rolled up in a ball. He asked what was going on. I replied that I'm sad. I'm scared I couldn't see him anymore. He told me to remind myself how that won't be the case. I did and it helped a bit. He asked about reasons for thinking like this. Are there any evidence that this might happen? I said no, but when I'm sad then people get angry... He asked whether there's any reason he should be angry? I said no, and that he doesn't seem mad either. I cried for a while and managed to calm myself as well. He asked whether there are any feeling besides sadness. I said now I don't feel anything and he replied that nothing is also something, that I should describe it. I said it's emptyness. He asked what's going on in my head, is it empty as well? It wasn't, I was thinking about how I'd like to be able to talk but couldn't, which I told him.

Then I got sad and scared again. I was scared he'd leave. He asked whether there's any evidence for that. I replied that he could die at any time. And then I'd have nothing, no reminder of our time together or anything. He said how I think about the future and past too much. How it would be beneficial to stay in the moment more. We practiced that for a bit and he connected it to mindfulness. He told me to start reading my book.

After calming down a bit, we confirmed our time for Friday and I left.