Thanks so much, here today! You know that I've felt a similarity with you in many ways probably since I started reading your posts... so it means a lot to see you respond to this. The feature that I don't usually identify with (and I've tried to look at it and feel it as much as I could) is that lack or deficient sense of self. What is that really and how do you know that you don't have a good sense of self? I have always felt that I have strong interests (most often self-driven, related to me at least some) and I know what I like, what I don't like, what I want with my life, have strong opinions etc. But octoberful's post about a gap between Id and Superego also made me think... that's where the Ego is supposed to be, I guess, coordinate and experience most adult life experiences? If I have such a strong instinctual, often self-destructive and even other-destructive force in me, while at the same time also an equally strong motivation for quality, responsibility, and drive for implementing my standards - maybe it is exactly that more realistic and relaxed self that is lacking or too often not "in charge"? While I usually pride myself of being realistic. LOL

I often also think that I am just somehow dopamine-deficient by default (by birth, maybe). The motivation issue... and I have always struggled with experiencing joy in response to normal, natural rewards. All the academic achievements, business achievements, relationships, inner explorations, spirituality, even often physical pleasure... I see other people in much less favorable positions compared to me exploding with joy and happiness, or at least content, in response to these normal life experiences. I have rarely felt such joy but have often pretended. I usually have very strong interests and motives before I invest energy, time, money, emotional and spiritual effort, whatever... a very brief "oh, okay, it is done" and then not much else. I was going to write "oh, okay, it is done" and then emptiness, but that is not true at this point of my life, I rarely (almost never) feel emptiness or lack of anything, except this... motivation. But I've also read that a main feature of people with my personality type is avoiding emptiness, always looking for stimulation, creating a rich and complex inner world that is never boring... so perhaps I've just achieved my goal?

I also often think that some of us may just expect too much of life and perhaps most, or even all, of our problems stem from those high expectations. Because we have all these intellectual and emotional capabilities, all the fantasizing about possibilities, dreaming about what could be... I am not sure but would be interested if anyone had feedback.