Don't know if it will help,but you may be addicted to
unhappiness,which is title of book:"Addicted To Unhappiness".
For self-esteem,there is brilliant psychologist,(and I do mean
brilliant) by name of Nathaniel Branden,who is thee expert
on self-esteem.I recommend "The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem",and "Honoring The Self"--the man changed my
life--you might get them second hand to save you cash.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE.