Yes, trying to accept it... it is hard.

Speaking of bipolar - I have experienced many of what they call Mixed States. So many, I wonder if these are actual episodes, for me at least. Often it feels like my default way of living. I don't want to post details as I don't want to put trigger warnings on my expressions, let me just say that suicidal ideation can be my default daily being. I don't even perceive it as a symptom of depression anymore because it's become so much of who I am and what interests me. Also, I try not to pathologize myself, as some suggested. But it (the thoughts about death, and general intense ambivalence) are in my mind more often than not. I am very used to it and tend to be very unfazed by these thoughts and impulses because have had them forever and have tried, in a million ways, to understand them. In my late teens and early 20's, I turned to Existential Philosophy driven by it. In my 30s, more into a quest to find explanations and (maybe) solutions from a biological/psychiatric point of view. In my 40s now... I don't really know. I guess maybe acceptance is key now, as some of you have suggested. I guess maybe it is not a "Mixed State" but general life itself, especially for an introspective, introverted person?

Thanks so much for the feedback, BTW, I really appreciate it!