Thank you all for your thoughts. I will keep my hope in check. I also went back to using my mood tracker when I went off and quit drinking. I had quit updating it when I started drinking a lot again a few weeks back. I have a hard time remembering how I have been if its not written down and I dont want to trick myself into things are going better or worse than they really are.

I definitely worry about the meds changing my brain and then me truly needing them. Another reason I finally quit them. I feel like if I dont find out now if I truly need them later it will be too late. I also believe somewhat in the possibility of kindling so I do wonder if those episodes have already done something. But I guess I will find out.