I haven't felt like this in about... three years? So long I don't even keep track.


There is just so much going on over here (and lots of it beyond the scale of my life, therefore sort of beyond my control).


So I am supposed to speak up at this big panel debate thing next Wensday, the only lady-activist among much bigger dogs (but some think I am not giving myself much credit and all). It concerns issue, I am so much involved in, but we had some bad blood with the other participants in the past. Now we are more or less okay, but I am bit afraid of dramas coming out. And me not being too eloquent and not doing my issue a justice. I don't like speaking to lots of people, I prefer one on ones, debates over social media or just... normal interactions.


AAAAAAND, meanwhile in my own country, political drama, disgusting one... well, imagine somebody steals lots of money, uses his children, hauls one of them to Crimea against his will, and when they try to speak against him in courts, he launches campaign in the media "well she is bipolar and he is schizo, *sob sob*, poor me, *sob sob*, journalists are hyenas, *sob sob*, want a free donut?".


And Saturday is big day, many are speaking revolution, Maidan, all that. Others are pessimistic and gloomy.


And I had some bad news about my friend whom i lost contact with... quite bad news, from one mutual friend she did not cut contact with.


So all this just shot me up into irritable strange state. Time seems to slown down and feels like going through gelatine. Time goes by too slowly for my thoughts. Every second of waiting somewhere drags, I am fidgety. I am angry. I am scared. I want things to go down now, so I can deal with them... not just be expecting something to happen.

So far I am managing in job (education), but it just drags there. My second job... well, i can set my own pace and it's not as fast as i would like it to be, but i am getting things done.


I am keeping track of my thoughts and actions, but I just wish everything would be bit calmer and less overwhelming.

Doing this on my own, no Ts, Pdocs, none of that. I need too do this on my own... I think I can... but... it sucks to high heaven, it really does.