I too have noticed similar issues in my life. With years, I have learned to become more aware and in control of my behavior and to force myself into calming down, but it always follows after "the damage has already been done".

I have a strong tendency for "avalanche memories" effect. If someone insults me, I always feel a sudden uncontrolled rush of memories of all those moments when I was under attack (both emotional and physical), especially from the time of my school years. These memories rush down like an avalanche, bringing more and more other similar memories and emotions with them, and at the end it all always trigger physical reactions - I get shaky and switch to "fight or flight" mode.

Of course, as soon as I become aware of that, I can calm myself down and adjust my final behavior to not appear very stressed out, but it doesn't change the fact that I had this "avalanche" in the first place. No matter what I try, I can't get rid of it, despite the fact that I'm currently already 38 and my self-esteem is not that low as it was in school years. Maybe some meds could help, but I don't want to take meds every day just to be protected against these avalanches that occur maybe once a weak or even less often.

Maybe I should blame the fact that I'm an introverted person and, as far as I know, science has proven that introverts have this tendency for very deep associative links and long-term memories. It's just how the brain is wired. I can only accept that it will always work that way and try to somehow desensitize myself to make the effects of it less intense and shorter by switching my awareness to some other activity. For example, recently I started learning to play a clarinet, and I find that it helps tremendously to take away the stress and to push my emotions out through intense - and musical - breathing.

So, I can only suggest you to find some way to transform and express those emotions in constructive ways. Even pain can be expressed constructively as a form of art.

Take care and be safe.