Just a quick follow-up on this. Thanks again, HT - it's not a problem if you express any opinion, I am very much interested in any sort of feedback. Yes, I have experimented with many of those "alternatives" - meditation was a major interest for about 10 years (I tried different forms, attended retreats and just kinda figured out my own ways). I still practice although not regularly enough. I also tried different forms of physical exercises with strong mental elements and focus such as yoga, tai chi, pilates, trance dancing and I go to spas at least once a month for physical relaxation and treatments - these things that have physical elements tend to be by far the most helpful for me. Part of the reason also why I think that my motivational issues and occasional dark moods are not much more than physiological fluctuations. They come and go without any apparent emotional trigger most of the time; if there are triggers, they tend to be stress, hormones, bad lifestyle choices. I have also always been very environmentally sensitive - to both excessive sounds, lights, crowds and also the lack of stimuli - this is where a balanced lifestyle is important.

Anyhow, I re-read this thread just now and feel quite astonished (once again) at the contrast between my mood and thinking two days ago and now. This is what I alluded to but, I believe, did not explain well and completely. It is actually not even true that I am in those dark moods daily or even too frequently (especially now that I have been sober for a while) - it made me cringe inside to read that I said that, huge exaggeration. I think I more just have days like that and sometimes my thinking can get quite delusional while in it, even distorted perceptions that it's always the case or often. I've confused people with these occasional distortions and dark moods many times throughout my life, it still happens, and I don't always recognize clearly when I am in it. I think it may be related to my biological heritage - most of the mental illnesses that run in my family are of the psychotic type and I am definitely lucky because I never developed a serious, really disruptive form of it like many of my relatives (especially females). I did consider trying medications, the kind of combos they prescribe for bipolar, to see if it would even my mental states out, but the truth is that part of me actually enjoys the weird moods and thought processes. I really don't think that any amount of therapy would make much of a difference in these trends and I think I've pretty much reached a level of awareness about how my mind operates that is useful - doing more introspection can be directly harmful, I know from experience - it can be yet another a form of voluntary escape for me. I talk with friends about my mental life very often and it's much more useful than therapy for me. I do sometimes feel weird and even ashamed talking too much about these things with other people and I felt that way also yesterday about this thread, especially because I don't often do it here on this forum. But I guess that's what PC is for. That sort of shame is actually definitely something coming from my childhood when I was ~constantly encouraged to have my *** together and just work things out. I make better choices now about people that won't tell me to suppress elements of myself but I will just never be the kind of person who gets very emotional frequently and complains about things. Part of the reason why therapy was not very helpful for me, I think. I would mostly just go to my sessions and have civil conversations about many different topics, most often quite deep conversations but not very emotional. And between sessions, I would sometimes email my Ts similar stuff to what I said on this thread earlier. Then go to next session and analyze it the way I do here today.

The motivation issue - I really think the best remedy is what was mentioned earlier - just do what I think needs to be done anyway. If I start dissecting too deeply and extensively why I am not motivated, it mostly leads to getting stuck in my mind and laziness, like two days ago when I posted this thread and then did nothing else all day except reading and writing about stuff I already know very well. The other strategy that helps, which was also mentioned above, is just accepting these fluctuations as part of my nature. If I don't want to take meds or engage in other forms of treatment, then it does not even make any sense to still torture myself all the time with being dissatisfied. I know many here might say that it is not such a rational process, but I do find that the types of cognitive exercises to consciously regulate my inner chatter and how I react to it behaviorally is most helpful for me. Probably also because it's my strength. I think the physical exercises are also helpful because they do regulate my mental states by means of changing body chemistry.