Started off by saying I had been really sad the last two days. But my job interview still went okay. T asked why I felt sad. I told him I'd like to sometimes talk about certain things, but can't. Why not? Because I'm scared he'd leave. He asked what I think goes on in his head when I say that even though he constantly reassures me that it won't happen. I said he's probably annoyed, he confirmed that. He said I provoke the feelings that I'm scared of. Then he wanted to know what the thing was I'd sometimes like to talk about but feel like I can't. I said I'm too scared to talk about it.

I turned around so I didn't face him anymore. He said I do this often, I come in and first I'm quite calm, but then I suddenly switch, get very emotional, change my behavior and don't talk properly anymore. He said he feels like it's mostly conscious too but that I can't do much about it. I confirmed that, I told him it often happens when I want to say something but don't have the courage to do it.

He mentioned how this is part of our therapy, to get me to a point where I can speak up if I want to say something or if I want to change the topic. He asked whether there was something specific I wanted to talk about currently. I nodded. "What is it?" - "It's hard to talk about." He wanted to know whether it's important. First I asked how you know when something is important, but then I answered that myself saying it's important if you feel like talking about it. Then I said it's important. Him: "So, what's the important thing we should talk about?" - "You can't get an answer that easily!" We both laughed.

We were silent a lot. He asked me what was going on in my head and I replied I'm thinking about what a good starting point for the discussion might be. I asked him again whether I'd still be allowed to see him, no matter what I say. He said of course. He mentioned how we had so far talked through everything that had ever happened between us and it would continue to be that way. He said how I can tell him about everything. Then, he went: "Unless you murdered somebody... I'd rather not know that." I said it wasn't that, but why I couldn't tell him if that were the case. He said in such a situation he'd not know what to do, whether to go to the police or not. It would make his feelings complicated. It's a boundary of his. "But if you robbed a bank I think I could deal with it!". We both laughed again.

I said it's not something like that. I'm just scared to talk. I feel ashamed. Why do I feel ashamed? Because people say it's not okay to talk about. Who? People in the past...

There was some silence again. I thought about how to talk some more. I asked whether we still have time to talk. It sounded like he looked at his watch, then he said yes. So, I started telling him how when I used to trust other people in my life (a teacher as well as a male friend), I'd always quickly feel like I was in love. But then one time, I met this girl, and it felt completely different. He wanted to know that felt different about it, but it was hard to pinpoint. It just felt more like what being in love is described as in books. He asked whether I felt like I fall in love quickly. I said no, it just feels very similar, but I don't think it's the same thing. He asked whether I felt the same way in therapy. I said no, here it's different. I like him, but not in that way. With that male friend, I wanted to be with him, I wanted to have a relationship. With my T it's not like that, I like him, but more like a dad.

So, he asked why I felt ashamed about that. I replied sometimes I have fantasies. "What kind, just say it." I didn't want to. He told me how if a woman has a crush on her therapist, there can be positive and negative things about that. He asked what they'd be, but I was so upset that my answer didn't make a lot of sense. He then went on about how on the one hand it meant that the chemistry was good and that's helpful in therapy, but on the other hand she'd be so preoccupied about pleasing the therapist and doing what he thinks is best that therapy won't really work.

I told him it's not like that for me. I sometimes think about him, but actually not that often. Maybe three or four times a week. More when I'm upset because it's comforting, but I feel that's fine. I often think about what to talk about in therapy, but not about him specifically. He said okay, that sounds fine. Then he went: "So, about the fantasies, I'm just going out on a limb... are they sexual?" I nodded. He said how everyone has fantasies and that sounds completely fine and normal. I replied that the issue is that I don't actually feel like that. I'm not attracted to him. So it irritates me.

He started talking about how for me, fantasy and reality is really close together, I almost can't distinguish between the two. And how for him, the two are very different. You can do whatever you want in your fantasy, it's all fine. It doesn't have to match reality. He mentioned we had talked about a similar thing before, and how he tries to show me what his way of thinking is, so I can try and copy that from him.

We started to slowly wrap up, he told me what time he could schedule me for next Wednesday, then I left.