Your reason is strong in this post. Are you sure that you can't resist the feelings that draw you back? It doesn't sound like "love", whatever it is that draws you back. It sounds like something else -- need or something.


It is very reasonable, too, to want someone in real life to love, and who can love you, too. Is there anyone like that in your life right now? Has there ever been? Can you think of any ways that you might change the circumstances of your life to give yourself more opportunity to find and have people like that in your life?


For me, a meetup support group in recent years has provided a sense of real people, really caring, more than I ever got in therapy. Even if you want a special relationship with someone, sometime, which I don't because I had one with my late husband, I think caring about and being cared for by people in a support group is a better start than a "reparative" relationship with one (paid) therapist. The relationships I have with members of the support group are increasingly personal and individual friendships. We soothe and calm each other down, although there are limits. We can't always be there, all the time, for everybody. But we are there, sometimes, and it is good.