TRIGGER WARNING: negative things about BPD because I Have it and hate myself.









I HAVE BORDERLINE PD, along with social anxiety and accompanying paranoia. I wrote Borderline in all caps because of it's stupid ****ing stigma, that's how I feel right now. I feel like a stupid disgusting clingy freak. I feel like a big ****ing nothing. I feel terrified. The parnoia part has led me to feel even worse.

I"M so sorry I cant' do this by myself. I am sorry I am freaking out right now, T , and I texted you over and over again. BUT I NEED HELP. DO I just need it for attention to feel better??? NOT THAT I AM AWARE OF. I feel like all of this/whatever this is is all of my fault. I really, really have tried the best I can do be a human being but obviously a Borderline is all that I can manage. I'm hopeless and can't change who I am nor can I change how I feel. T has been great to me and this is still me. I don't want to be me anymore, no matter what. I'm done. All of this struggle is not worth anything because I can't work or help people when I am so ****ED UP. I understand everyone else's point but now I am taking the reigns. How unfortunate, as I don't know who I am. I have pushed and pushed and pushed myself to work year after year, and day after day I have struggled and did a great job most of the time, sometimes not. BUt lately, I have just been me. I'm ****ing me and I ****ing hate it with a passion. Right now I Feel like I have to stand up for the real me that I hate. I would like to call you ,T, but I am afraid I'll be bothering you and I don't want to do that. SO Monday, I guess I"ll try and tell you all of this.


I cant' help that it drives me crazy if you don't answer the phone quickly. IT's NOT your fault, but I haven't chosen this path. YOu have every right to leave. I am STUCK with this ******** called me. I ****ing HATE myself with every thing in me, I swear. I ruin relationships, jobs, etc. all the way. I wish I was a better mother, wife, a better person to me, at work, blah blah.


I am NOT a bad person. However, I am an angry person right now. I am prepared to get rid of many things I am used to, know, and love because of me, something is wrong with me and I'm sick of it negatively impacting everyone. I think the meteor in Tunguska had fewer casualties. I might end up alone, but as long as I have a way to live, even meagerly, I will just be alone (except for Hand D). Then I won't have to worry about the negative side effects of me. Nobody will have to worry about me calling them/texting so much. (I know you don't complain about that. This isn't about you at all) It is about me and what I can and can't handle. I may be lonely but at least I won't feel guilty. I can't do this anymore. I need a plan that doesn't put me in harm's way. Or whatever else if you have any ideas. I can no longer do this much longer. Not sure what the plan is.