I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation. The obvious answer here, I suppose, is to work on this with the help of a mental health therapist. Perhaps you're already seeing someone? (It sounds as though your husband might benefit from seeing someone too. But I presume that is not likely to happen.) Beyond that I don't know as I have any particularly creative suggestions to offer you. However here are links to a selection of 11 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may help you to put your circumstances into perspective & figure out how to handle them:

You Don't Outgrow the Effects of an Alcoholic Parent | Happily Imperfect

You Can Only Change Yourself

Are You Waiting for Someone to Change?

5 Ways to Get Your Partner to Change

What Are Personal Boundaries? How Do I Get Some?

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-he...ries-in-yours/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-ways...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...ur-boundaries/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/marriag...-does-it-work/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-step...n-today/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...nful-emotions/

My best wishes to you...