It’s been a hell of a week. And I am struggling to cope. The last few weeks I have not been feeling good anyway. The suicidal thoughts are creeping back in, I’m finding it hard to stick with my meds, I’m getting urges to self harm, urges to drink. My head is trying to make me hit the self destruct button and I’m trying to fight it, it’s exhausting though.

On top of this my partner is in crisis too, with added psychosis for good measure. I ended up having to take Tuesday off of work so I could try to get her help. We were met with a million hurdles (thanks NHS and Tories for the lack of funding...) and while everyone including us has agreed she needs to be admitted right now they still haven’t managed to find her a bed. So yeah, it’s been stressful.

This weekend I had to send her over to her parents’ so they could look after her, as I have been working and was not allowed to take more time off. And since she’s not here those self destructive thoughts are a lot louder. Those urges to cut and to drink and to skip meds are so much stronger. I feel like I am just going to fall apart at any moment. I really don’t know how long I can stay strong, I feel so weak and exhausted right now. I just want to give in. To the drink. To the blade. Would it really be so bad? It used to help. It would release some of the ****, calm me a bit, make it so I could cope for longer.

I just don’t know anymore. I hate this.