You've come so far from just months ago, my friend. The progress you've made is something to hold onto.

At the same time, yeah I get those urges. It's so hard to deny them. So hard to fight when people in your corner are gone (for whatever the reason).

I do know something, though. When your gf gets out of this current situation and is back with you, she's gonna want to know that you've kept yourself safe. She's gonna want to know that her episode didn't cause you to have your own. She wants the best for you. Try to combat the thoughts with what she would say to you.

I wish I had better advice. Message me anytime.