I last saw my T on Thursday last week - he had been out of the country for 3 weeks and totally unavailable. It was very hard for me while he was gone. Then, when I did see him, I thought I was OK but on Friday I woke up feeling worse than ever - it was the first anniversary of my mother's 3rd trip to the psych ward (Baker Act) for her schizophrenia since she had from before I was born. When she was in the psych ward they discovered she had ovarian cancer and she died in the hospital in May. I called my T twice that day and told him how sad and scared I was but then told him I would be OK and he did not have to call me back. This depression continued through the weekend and just kept getting worse and I became a little concerned for my ability to go on living. I called him twice yesterday and again told him I was concerned but not to call me back unless he could do it within a two hour time frame as my husband does not like it when I call him and he returns my call at home (hubby thinks he can take care of me when I am home even though he frequently says just the wrong things to make me more depressed and he will not go in with me to see my T so he can understand that). So, of course, he had other patients with him and was unable to call back so here I am today - still depressed and worried and anxious. I am already on 20 mg Lexapro and 3 mg of Xanax per day and it just does not seem to be helping me right now. I want to try chat but my husband won't let me - he is afraid I am going to get involved with someone there and run away from him (he is very jealous of everything - even my use of my computer which is about the only thing that keeps me going - if I did not have my computer I don't know what I would do). I am posting from work (yes, I can still function at work - I feel dead inside but I have been acting "happy" for so many years, putting on that mask every morning, that no one knows how I really feel. I don't know why I am posting this long dialogue, I guess I just wanted to let someone know how down I am - and how much I miss my mother, even though she was a scary person until she was first put in a psych ward when I was 12 and finally started on meds which stopped her ranting and screaming and throwing things all the time when I was young.