Trigger icon for mention of self-injury

That's what he said at the end of the session today. "Just tell me what it is you need. Phone calls, whatever... " I said to him, "Isn't it too much?" And he said, "For who?" I told him, "For you, of course." And you know what his answer was? "You have showed me so much thought and empathy lately, do you know that?"

We had an amazing session today. He was very excited about a few things that I have going on for my treatment, including a support group that I am going to tonight-- for women with borderline personality d/o. He kept saying, "I'm so excited! Maybe I'm too excited!!" It was so cute. I offered him a Klonopin to calm him down, hahahahaha. He said, "I'm having racing thoughts!" He said that he wanted to call ahead to the group and tell them to watch out, lol. He knows me so well-- said that he was having so many funny thoughts of me interacting in the group, but was really so happy that I was going to do this.

We talked about the moment last night during my cutting in which I reached out to come back to my authentic self and how that transition was so important in stopping the behavior.

He even said to me, "Oh, when I came in the office today I was listening to one of the CD's you made for me...." I had made him two mix CDs months ago. I didn't think he even thought of them anymore. He started to talk about some of the songs and how he was thinking about how they related to me.

We talked about the emotional-body connection, which is one that I rarely explore because I get uncomfortable talking about my body with him. I told him that I felt uncomfortable and disgusting. He said, "How can anyone who feels uncomfortable and disgusting with their body wear gold shoes?" LOL. I said, well you know me-- I am never one to be boring. I would feel more uncomfortable if I was wearing something plain. He said, "I like those shoes!" I asked him if he wanted to borrow them, haha.

We also talked about the notion of wanting to be held by him in session, but how that would be crossing a boundary-- so to think about how I can feel held by him without actually physically being held. And then he said, "But don't worry-- you can still shake my hand!"
I stayed grounded for the entire session. I fought very hard to do so at the end, but I did it. I showed him some of my scars and he experienced the pain with me.