I’m back after a few months of a hiatus!! It’s been a rough year overall for me, but I’m trying to stay positive. I just got out of an abusive relationship w/ what I thought was the love of my life [emoji17] She was verbally, mentally and physically abusive towards me from the start but I tried my best to stick it out and see if I could get her to tone down on how she treated me. But it continued. I finally got away from her physically a few months ago but we remained together. Well we have been off and on since May 5th of this year. We had dated for 1-2 years when we were younger around 17-18 years old but I had broke up to her for lying to me about having a heart attack. She told me this go around that she lied about it because she had really been hanging out with an ex. She would tell me I’m “too sensitive, a drama queen, looking for attention, showing out for others” almost like everyday. I was “disloyal” if I ever told anybody what was really going on behind closed doors. It was a very depressing and stressful relationship to be in PERIOD. I officially ended things 3-4 days ago and now am feeling bad but at the same time it was too much, I simply couldn’t do it anymore. I was hospitalized last week for 5 days for suicidal ideations. She literally broke my soul man, that’s how it feels. Cause the whole time she’s saying she loves me, wants kids and marriage but get treated me worse than a dog on the street. She even told me I could kill myself [emoji17] knowing my brother had committed sui this past Christmas and knowing that I myself have attempted quite a few times as well. So that cut deep [emoji22] My MRI for my spine is finally getting finished up, the doctors office has been messing up on my paperwork for almost 2 months now [emoji1750]*[emoji3601] I really am getting depressed again && just trying to fight it. I don’t wanna go back IP. That would be 3x this year alone if I do [emoji17][emoji17] It feels like my life has been in shambles since my grandma passed back in November. Right now I just started a job, at a little convenience store. I’m having to cut back on my hours and how long I can work a shift. My back can only hold up for about 4-5 hours. I’m frustrated that I’m in constant pain, it’s been that way for 3 years now following a wreck and I’m just NOW gonna get to see what is wrong with my back [emoji1750]*[emoji3601] The DR is thinking a herniated disc, but it would be in my upper back which is rare and a hard area to herniate. So I’m hoping it’s not that but really I just want answers. I want to know and get it fixed so I can at least attempt to work like normal people do. My bipolar has been taking its toll on me as well. Some days I’m lacking energy so bad that I don’t want to get out of bed. I’m struggling to motivate myself to do things too. I’m just trying my hardest but it feels like I keep getting knocked 10 steps back every time I try to peruse something [emoji22][emoji22]