Monday's T session: I talked about the stressful few days I'd had since the previous session. I said I'd taken H for his first colonoscopy Friday, that I hadn't realized he'd be going under general anesthesia for it. And I had sort of an unexpected reaction to seeing him when he'd just woken up from the anesthesia and was in the hospital bed in his gown. T: "Because he seemed vulnerable?" Me: "Yes, exactly." We probably could have explored that more but went in a somewhat different direction.

I mentioned he'd had the colonoscopy and upper endoscopy partly due to symptoms. T: "Ah, I thought he seemed a bit young for a screening one" (H just turned 41). He asked if they'd found anything, and I said how they removed a stomach polyp (also did upper endoscopy) that they're sending out for biopsy, but that the doctor wasn't concerned. T said he didn't know you could have stomach polyps, and I agreed. I said that would be 7-10 days, plus I'm still waiting for results from my mammogram like 2 weeks ago, and they'd said it would only be a week. T: "I would think if they found something they'd contact you right away. I've had times when test results--not a mammogram, obviously--took longer than expected to come back, and it was fine." I said he was probably right (and I got the results yesterday--yep, fine).

I said how next week I'm also having an ultrasound to sort of screen for ovarian cancer, since my mom had it around the age I am now (I noted that my aunt had breast cancer, but tested negative for the BRCA genes, but maybe I should get genetically tested anyway). I told him how last summer when I'd had one of those scans, I'd been really worried because they'd spent a long time on the one area. And because ex-T was out of town, I'd ended up texting ex-MC. And he called me the next day to check up on me, which I thought was really nice, though by then I'd found out results. He'd asked "How are you doing?" and I said I was OK. He said, "No how are you *really* doing, not like what you'd say to someone to be polite." How then I'd told him I'd already gotten results. I warned current T that there's good chance I could end up reaching out to him after that test because it really worries me. He said OK.

I explained how it particularly worries me since by the time you'd have symptoms, it's usually advanced (hence the scan). And my mom was lucky that her doctor found it on a regular exam (and it hadn't spread). T: "It must have been quite large then." Me: "Yes, when it was found, was the size of an orange. When they removed it was the size of a grapefruit. And I've hated grapefruit ever since." T: "You know it wasn't an actual grapefruit, right?" Me: "Uh, yes?" T: "OK, because you said you've hated grapefruit since then." Me: "Well, to be honest, I'd hated it before, too." T: "Ah, OK."

I said it reminded me of those charts they have for pregnancy where they compare the size of the baby to different fruits, like a cantaloupe. T: "A cantaloupe?!? That's really big, like third trimester. I was thinking more like a grape." Me: "Well...they grow." T: "I forget, you said you and your H are done having kids, that you just wanted one, right?" Me: "Yes, and he's had a vasectomy. Though I guess I'm still technically fertile." (No, I don't know why I told him that.) I think I made an offhanded remark about cheating. T: "Yeah, it would be pretty awkward if you got pregnant when he'd had a vasectomy." Me: "Yeah."

Me: "So I talked to H briefly about possibly seeing someone to help with D." T: "Oh! I forgot to send out that email last week. Hang on a sec." He grabbed his notepad and furiously scribbled something. T: "OK, I'll be sure to send that out to the listserv today." (He did and sent me a few suggestions yesterday.) Me: "OK, thanks. But H seemed fine with the idea of it." T: "Good!"

Me: "We actually have the conference with her teacher today." T: "Do you have a list of questions?" Me: "No, didn't have a chance to write one." He held out his pen and notepad to me, and I took it. We proceeded to go through various questions to ask her, requesting more frequent communication with her, potential accommodations for D (like if there's a standing desk in the room), etc. It was very helpful and also made me feel calmer about the conference.

I was holding and sort of playing with his pen the whole time we were talking. Me: "Maybe I need to start holding a pen during session. I'm finding this to be oddly calming." T: "You haven't played with your hair since you've been holding it." Me: "Yeah, you're right, or anything else. Or maybe I just need to bring in some sort of fidget toy other than my bracelets." T: "You're welcome to play with magnetic stones over there." Me: "I'm OK. Ex-MC used to often hold a pen, though he never had a notepad." T: "So just a prop then." Me: "Yeah." A few minutes after that, I realized I was subconsciously playing with my hair with my other hand, and stopped.

I knew we had to stop. I tore of the sheet of paper and handed him back his notepad and pen. Confirmed Wednesday--he said he'd also be in office Friday if I preferred that. I asked if it was OK to keep Wednesday instead, that I wondered if maybe he was trying to get out of working that day, like I was the only client on his schedule so he wanted me to move days? T: "Nope, I'm in the office 10:30-6:30 Wednesday." Me; "OK then!"

Went over to pay, T shook my hand, saying, "Have a good couple days." Me: "Thanks, you too."