Maya I'm sorry about your Mom. I can understand how difficult this time must be for you. I'm concerned too about how depressed you feel. I hope you decide to call your therapist and let him call you back. You say you are concerned about your ability to go on living and he needs to hear that.

You must have a lot of ambivalent feelings about your mother given your early childhood experience with her. It takes a brave little girl to deal with a mentally ill mother. Maybe that's where you first learned to live behind a mask. That doesn't at all diminish the love you have for her and the tremendous loss you've suffered. Have you tried journaling your feelings and memories and thoughts? Sometimes that helps. I don't even like to read what I've written for a long time. That makes it easier for me to be honest but if you wanted to you could always share some of it with your therapist or the forum if you wanted to. We care about how you feel. I am glad you posted and hope your day is going as well as possible..