I'm in the middle of a less than fun paranoia. I see my Pdoc on December 3rd, if I make it that far. I am taking my meds. as prescribed and they aren't doing anything for me.


I go to work and act as normal as I can, but I don't trust people around me. It almost feels like I am in danger. And it affects my moods. And I saw T today, and a few things he said I took in a paranoid way. I trust him as much as I can. I don't trust myself. I don't trust my perceptions. This is scary and I am so sick of it.


I don't know if I need to go on disability, stop seeing T, and never have contact with anyone anymore except my close family.


I despise myself because I don't know what else to do. I also feel really protective of myself. I really feel compassion for myself, because I am the only one who really knows how terrifying all of this is. I don't know what it all means. I can't hold on much longer, though. I just feel like nobody really understands what I am going through. I think my brain is dead, or it is just hanging on to see what's next. I'm am struggling to believe in myself in any way, shape, or form, or in any relationship. I am trying to be me, I am trying to accept myself, be compassionate with myself, because I realize that no one can really understand this horror that I am going through. I am trying to remember that other people don't understand--so I'm trying to be kind to myself because I am the only one in the world who knows what I am going through, I understand that I have made mistakes, but I think I'm at least faring considering my predicament. And if others want to judge me, I don't care. It's about time for me to do something really off the wall, but I don't know what. Something healthy and safe, but something that is majorly adventurous. I'll have to think about that.