T yesterday (day early due to Thanksgiving). I opened the outside waiting room door just as he opened the inner waiting room door--perfectly timed! Went back and sat down.

I thanked him for his email response from the day before (H is facing some layoffs at his job, he hopes he won't be affected, but in case he is, I asked T if he'd be willing to work with me on cost of sessions, and he said he would, giving examples of how he'd worked with clients with a changing financial situation before). T: "Oh, right, I'd forgotten all about that!" (Me: Thinking, "It was a day ago!") Talked briefly about the stress of the unknown and he reiterated what he'd shared in email, saying how he'd consider a client's percentage decrease in income, and then he'd decide on a level with them that would be the new normal fee. He said again how he'd let one client "who was in a really bad situation" see him for just $5 a session for a few months. I said I'd be honest about the situation, and T said he has to just trust people with things like that, how he's unfortunately been burned before. I said how some people just take advantage, and he agreed.

He said he was glad my conference with D's teacher had gone well the day before (I'd mentioned that in email). We discussed that a bit. I said how I think I'm too trained for therapy, because I knew conference was only supposed to be 15 minutes (she kept us over) and I kept saying, "I know we have to stop soon, but..." And that the teacher was probably like "What's her deal?" Me: "I probably got into that habit because ex-T was strict about time." T: "I'd think then you would just have trusted her to keep it." Me: "Hm, good point. Maybe was more for ex-MC then, since he often took us back late, so I wouldn't be sure when end was, and he'd keep us anywhere from 50 minutes to an hour and 15 or more, so by saying 'I know we have to stop soon,' I'd be trying to figure out from his response how much time we had left." T: "Oh OK."

Me: "Yeah, though you're much more consistent. I think part of why I keep a close eye on the time in here and say things like, 'I know we have to stop soon' is I worry you'll be annoyed with me if we end up going over...But I guess that says something about me because I know it's really your responsibility to keep the time. Yet I still worry about annoying you, and..." T (smiling): "I'm just going to sit back and let you do therapy on yourself." Me: "Maybe you could just read a book or something." T: "Just let me know when I need to tune back in!"

I updated him that I'd gotten my mammogram results the day before and they were fine. T: "I'm glad to hear that." Said we hadn't heard about H's biopsy yet and that I still had the pelvic ultrasound next week. Me: "What I hate about these kinds of tests is that you can feel fine, then suddenly it's like you could get the results and your whole life would change, like needing surgery, chemo. And I tend to have that worry when things are going well, where I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like D's doing well, so what's going to go wrong? I hate that I'm like that. I wish I wasn't. But I think it's just how I'm naturally oriented."

T: "You're right in a sense that you're probably not going to completely change who you are." Me: "Yeah, I'm not going to suddenly become glass half-full." T: "You're on the neurotic side of the personality spectrum. You're not going change completely away from that, but you can become the least neurotic version of yourself possible." Me: "OK. So...how do I do that?"

T: "Well, one study showed that a gratitude journal can help." Me: "Yeah, I got one of those for Christmas a couple years ago and used it twice." T: "Well, you have to actually use it. Another study had people doing the GLAD method for months, writing one item each day that you're grateful for, that you learned, an accomplishment, and something that caused delight. And that caused a significant change in outlook and mood. Many people continued doing it after the study ended." Me: "Hm...maybe that's something to try again." T said that studies have also found that not complaining or gossiping about people can help, that verbalizing some of those feelings can give more weight to them than just thinking them.

I talked a bit about the stress of the week and how I wasn't looking forward to Thanksgiving, as it's with H's sister and her H, so H's brother-in-law. Me: "Would he also be considered my brother-in-law?" T (a bit incredulously): "Uh, yes, he's your brother-in-law, too!" Me: "They've only been married 5 years, so not that long." T: "*Only* 5 years??? Five years is a long time! Most divorces happen by year 7. 'Only 5 years'...you're funny." Me: "Well, it's been 10 for me, so I guess in comparison..."

We had 20 minutes left. I said I was debating what else to discuss, how part of me wanted to talk about my alcohol use. T: "We could talk about that, or we also had talked about working on some breathing and mindfulness techniques, so could do that, too." I initially opted for breathing/mindfulness, but then ended up talking about alcohol instead. How I kept trying to do better, and I might do better for a bit, but then something stressful would happen, like Monday with H talking about layoffs. Me: "I had more to drink than I should have that night. It's like I'm waiting for the perfect time to cut back, like when there's no stress, but I guess that isn't going to happen, is it? Like there's no perfect time?" T agreed. I said I was being more mindful about it and doing better with some things lately, like, "OK, I'm only having 3 today" or "I'm not having another tonight" and sticking with that, but that if I told someone the quantity I often drank, they'd likely be like "Wow, that's a lot!" T: "I hope you realize I'm not judging you." Me: "I know, I'm just talking about a random outside person."

I said I had gotten into bad habits, like sometimes having a beer before noon. It's like how smoking (cigarettes) was for me. I started out just socially smoking when out with friends, bumming cigarettes from them. Then I went on to buying my own but only smoking with them. Me: "Then it became smoking alone on my balcony or in my car or in the shower." T: "Smoking in the shower?!? That would take some skill!" Me: "Yeah, I guess..." I said I hadn't had a cigarette in like 10 years though am tempted at times. T: "That's really good."

I mentioned Thanksgiving at my in-laws, where they don't allow alcohol (recovering alcoholic in family). I said how a few years ago, we'd stashed some beer in the car just in case, so I could sneak out and have a beer if I felt I needed to (I didn't). T (pretending to be me): "'I just have to go make a phone call at my car really quickly." Me: "Exactly." T (joking): "Then they'd be like, 'Wait, LT, you have *another* phone call to take?'"

T said I could still consider AA, that some of what they teach could also help me deal with anxiety. I said I was kind of uncertain about that, especially as they expect abstinence, other things. But I said I guessed I could have tried a meeting, like it's not like I have to talk or they're going to drug-test me. He agreed. He said if I didn't want meetings, there are also books, but he got sense I did well with communities (see: PC).

Me: "If I'm doing well with therapy and it's helping me, shouldn't drinking not be an issue anymore? Or is it that...I'm still working on healing certain things, like I need to fix things inside of me first to deal with that." T: "Yes--it may be that we're just not there yet." (I appreciated his using "we," as it suggests we're on the journey together.)

T said how, if I wanted to go back to moderation, the best way is probably to go to abstinence for a bit, then gradually work my way back to more social drinking. Me: "Sort of resetting?" T: "Yes, exactly." T said how it could be good to get to a place where I'm drinking for positive reasons, like to be social with friends or because I wanted to try a new beer. Rather than to cope with negative emotions or deal with social anxiety.

T: "But for now it's become a coping mechanism for you. So you need to figure out other coping mechanisms. Otherwise, if you're trying to stop it and don't have any other things to do in place of it, it's going to be really difficult." Me: "Yeah...so maybe we need to work on those." T: "That's why I mentioned the mindfulness and breathing exercises. Or something like going for a walk." Me: "Maybe we can work on those next week."

We were out of time, confirmed/scheduled for next week. Paid, he stood up (he's been standing for this lately--used to stay sitting, which bothered me a bit, but I never said anything because it seemed unimportant) and shook my hand while saying a very warm, genuine, "Have a good Thanksgiving." Me: "You too."