Hi all,

This is my first time posting. I hope this is the right section.

Without going into a ton of detail, I have a long history of trauma and abuse. I was badly abused as a child by both sides of my family. When I was 10, I was so unhappy i started developing parasocial relationships with celebrities i liked. The themes usually involved me being rich and famous and married or dating these people. The fantasy would end once I found out the person was married.

I am now in my early 30s. This summer, I spent about 2 months crushing on/having a parasocial relationship with an actor. In late September, I found an old article from 11 years ago that mentions he had a girlfriend. I was so depressed at this time, I started crying. I know it's stupid to cry over it. My logical side and my emotional side did battle: "you're being stupid, this was 11 years ago, he can date who he wants, he doesn't know you exist".

I talked to my therapist and a friend about this. they were both helpful. The thing is, even though I thought I was over it/had worked through it, I spent today sleuthing online and trying to find out if they are still together. I know this is crazy and not my business. I saw something on Instagram where they were at the same event, and it bothers me that I don't know if they are still together. I think my brain wants to kill the crush completely, and that will happen if I can know they are dating.

How do I stop obsessing over this? How do I stop using parasocial relationships as a coping mechanism? I think I am also disappointed in how I am behaving because I have been in therapy for more than a year and I thought I was improving.