Dear T,
Twice you've mentioned, incorrectly, an action that never happened. The first time, I corrected you. The second time, I just ignored it. It was a misperception on your part. But it still bothers me.

And twice last week, you "fixed" two of my statements, when I was describing a couple of conflicts. "I'm sure the surgeon didn't yell at you", you said confidently. As a matter of fact, he did. "Maybe the professor was wrong," you said, "or maybe you misperceived what he said." As a matter of fact, I didn't. I don't know if this is a technique to try to normalize distress, but it makes me feel like you think I'm embellishing. And that bothers me.

And another thing. When I mentioned, specifically, my discomfort with the fact that we know several of the same colleagues, you talked about compartmentalization. When I asked if you could compartmentalize those relationships, you smiled and said "Yes." But I noticed that you were holding your hand over your mouth. And that bothered me, because I wondered if your body language was trying to tell me something.

So now, when you are pressuring me to talk about trauma, I’m trying not to be obstinate when I tell you that I don’t like to be vulnerable. Maybe my trust issue is that I don't trust you.

And I don’t think you trust me, either. You mentioned that you have to think about what to say to me, because I think too much about what you are saying. I realize that I am a tough patient, and I sense you would be relieved if I told you I’m thinking about quitting.

But here’s the thing. There was a moment last week when I caught a glimpse of what I swear was a little tenderness. It was a fleeting moment, but it gave me a hint of what therapy could be. And now, I’m caught between these conflicting moments of clarity.

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