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Originally Posted by KD1980
Hi all,
This is my first time posting. I hope this is the right section.
Without going into a ton of detail, I have a long history of trauma and abuse. I was badly abused as a child by both sides of my family. When I was 10, I was so unhappy i started developing parasocial relationships with celebrities i liked. The themes usually involved me being rich and famous and married or dating these people. The fantasy would end once I found out the person was married.
I am now in my early 30s. This summer, I spent about 2 months crushing on/having a parasocial relationship with an actor. In late September, I found an old article from 11 years ago that mentions he had a girlfriend. I was so depressed at this time, I started crying. I know it's stupid to cry over it. My logical side and my emotional side did battle: "you're being stupid, this was 11 years ago, he can date who he wants, he doesn't know you exist".
I talked to my therapist and a friend about this. they were both helpful. The thing is, even though I thought I was over it/had worked through it, I spent today sleuthing online and trying to find out if they are still together. I know this is crazy and not my business. I saw something on Instagram where they were at the same event, and it bothers me that I don't know if they are still together. I think my brain wants to kill the crush completely, and that will happen if I can know they are dating.
How do I stop obsessing over this? How do I stop using parasocial relationships as a coping mechanism? I think I am also disappointed in how I am behaving because I have been in therapy for more than a year and I thought I was improving.
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Welcome to PC. Thank you for your post, I found it most interesting, and I now realize that I did some of this. I also come from a background of abuse. A couple of things I have learned along the way. While it is good to give therapy some time; you can tell the therapist if you think you need more or different assistance with a particular issue. Therapists vary in their approach and areas of expertise. Another thing that comes to mind: it seems to me that as human beings, we have strengths and weaknesses; and that at various times of life (with different stressors) we see these either recede or come to the fore. For example, depression is my fall-back position when I am stressed (and there are various stressors for me: from extremes of weather to pressures of work; holidays (big right now)), etc. Do you have your own romantic relationship in real life? Do you want one?
That leads me to the other thing I have learned. The more invested I am in real life, with immediate things -- meeting friends for lunch, doing volunteer work in my community, getting involved in work, etc., the less important social media and public figures are to me.
You might also consider taking what you admire/like/desire from what you see in public, social media and gathering it to yourself. For example; examine what it is about this man you admire and then find a homegrown version in real life.
I personally do not think a little fantasy and imagination is a bad thing; nor do I think interacting social-media wise with performers and others who put themselves out there for the interaction is a bad thing. But balance is a good thing, and real life is the best thing, imho. Please don't 'beat yourself up' over this; learn what you can from it and enjoy your real life.
