Thank you so much for your reply! I agree with this being a fantasy because it is safer and easier, and I agree that even if he were single, there would be no chance of us dating. I developed an interest in him because I was so depressed in July and I needed an outlet. My therapist said it makes sense that I would cry because the feelings were real, and that it would be better to make real connections with real people. She thinks this is partly stemming from loneliness too.

I guess I am disappointed in myself because I thought I was over this or that I no longer needed this coping mechanism. I've been in therapy for a year and a half, and I thought my emotional side was more stable. I'm upset because I think this indicates I am not as emotionally mature as I want to be, and I'm ashamed that I'm investing so much energy in being nosy about stranger's lives. That interview which mentions his gf was in 2007, but they have worked together four years after that, and in other things, so I was trying to find out if they were still together in between that time, were they together after, etc.

I'm trying to figure out why this is on my mind. I think it's partly because I want the crush killed, and partly because I am envious that other people have great, loving relationships and I don't.

Since this has been a coping mechanism for so long, I have used it as a motivator to pull me through life. When I was in an abusive relationship in my 20s, I developed a crush on an Irish actor. I started developing a fantasy that I'd go to grad school in Ireland and work on filmmaking there (I have aspirations to be a screenwriter), and this was all concocted so I could meet him. I even started looking at grad school options as a possibility.

I think one of the reasons I do this is because I am not a great self motivator. I always need something external to motivate me.