Thank you for your replies.

Mopey, the promise i made to my boss to not end up at the hospital/clinic is what is bothering me the most because then i have to keep going even if i dont want to and have to "behave myself" to prevent a crisis, but i NEED a crisis. and i dont feel bad enough to be in one.

nels, thank you for your suggestion. maybe i'll get the book but right now eve reading is too much for me.

today im feeling a little better. it always happens. weekends are ok, its week days that are harder to bear.

im going to rest now, thank you all for your support