Hello Omicron: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral.
Yes... I know a lot about hiding one's true emotions & presenting a clean image to the outside world. I'm 70 years old now.
And I've been doing exactly that my whole life. I still am, although I will say that it has become increasingly difficult as I've aged. Things actually began to unravel for me at around age 50 as a result of a not all that serious bout with cancer. It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. Things have been slowly unravelling ever since. And one thing I can tell you is that living that way is absolutely exhausting... & ultimately futile. It's no way to live your life.
The remedy for this, of course, is to find a way to live authentically... to be the person you really are... whomever that is. Of course I can't tell you how to do that. You mentioned a job your parents forced you into that is part of the problem. Perhaps that is one thing that needs to be addressed forthwith. And then, perhaps, some counseling or therapy to help you figure out who you really are & how to show the real you to the world at large. The one thing I know is that continuing to live the way it sounds like you're living is a prescription for ongoing sadness & frustration. And the person who has to change that is you. Hopefully coming here to PC can constitute a first step in that direction.
One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the relationships forum. Here's a link:
https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/
And then here are links to a selection of 8 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help:
In-Depth: Living with Depression
When You Feel Lost
When You Feel Lost or Disconnected from Yourself
So, You're Lost? The Advice You'd Never Expect
https://psychcentral.com/blog/authen...our-true-self/
https://psychcentral.com/lib/6-steps...ing-authentic/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/overco...our-true-self/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/chang...tay-motivated/
I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
