I’m really sorry for you.
I have the same problem. Judgment and judgment. Me too I have not one good memory of my childhood.
I think we have to understand that they are in that way, poor of emotions. The problem is inside them, not ours. To explain...if you have in your family someone with Alzheimer disease, you can’t blame him for his behaviuor. You have to understand that there is something wrong with our fathers, something so wrong and so big that is impossible to change.
The problem now is not how to communicate with our farhers, how to make them understand all the pain they caused to us and how they may had influenced our life... The problem now is to be happy and have a life full of beautiful moments, to make them no more toxic for us. We have to understand that everything they say is foolish and non-sense, that their judgment has no worth for everyone.
You have to move your ears aways from what he says and continue your own life in the way you feel it is correct. Don’t consider him anymore. Have tolerance and respect for him as fo every old person, but don’t pay attention anymore to his words and actions, they are not important. I think our fathers cannot understand us, we are on different planets, and anything will change. They will be in the same manner they have been, if not worsening growing old. Let them talk and judge, while we listen to our thoughts and music, understanding we cannot stay together, understanding you are not in a wrong way. You can’t change anything, he will never understand anything. Don’twaste your time and be only proud of you.