For a lot of years I could not stay in the same room as my trauma, literally. If I would start to get close in therapy I would bolt. I also did other things that were designed when the trauma happened to keep me alive and my mind intact. Separating parts of self, self harming, vomiting. No fun at all but the trauma is out and I can discuss it with the therapist and I am trying to desensitize more. T wants me to do more emdr but like Colleen said it is hard. It is a path and might be yours. It helped me a lot so I really wish I would do it on the residual fear crap. AND GUILT, AND SHAME. I hope you find a path. You seem like such a nice person and I know that pain and it's horrid. I wish I could just lift it from you and put it away.