I'm on a waiting list for a counselor. I had a therapist, a real certified therapist a few years ago. Unfortunately she talked too much about herself and and adhd, so it didn't go well. What I got though from her, was that I should take my time with relationships. I did with him. I was happy with him. I know how to ground myself. I'm more mature with communication and arguments (and this isn't to make me sound good), than he is. He's lived alone more of his life than I have.

He wants his FREEDOM. I put it in capitals, because that's what he said it comes down to. He said a long time ago in a letter, "I'm not sure I can have my privacy, space, and freedom, and still have a meaningful relationship with you." That read to me, as, sorry for my blunt way of putting things "I want a F buddy". He says that's not what he meant. But he is self centered, not generous, and can be very hurtful with his words. Also pushed me to the floor a year and a half ago but I forgave him. We were both drinking, and he said I had almost knocked over some of his things.

I believe he is soured on women. Any bits of info he will give me has shown me he has a bit of a hate on for the women he was with. I think he transfers some of those feelings to me, regardless of who I really am. When we get along, we really get along. Good. He can lift my spirits by complimenting me, he can make me feel loved with his hugs and kisses, and his caring (not all the time, but sometimes), about what I've eaten and if I take care of my own needs. I'm diabetic and have other health issues. Sacroiliac joint dysfunction. I have a lot of medication. Not too many men would be standing in line for a 50 something year old who is on disability.

I'm not disregarding everything that has been said here. I'm just trying to explain why I feel I love him. I know actions speak louder than words.

I need to leave him out of my life completely for a while. I understand the thinking "what you see is what you get", but I also know it is NOT impossible for people and circumstances to change. It is unlikely, but not impossible.

There are bad things about me, bad things about him. Good things about me, good things about him.

When we get along, it's really good. I can't be sure he's to blame for the wallet, because he's never stolen or went through my purse or belongings that I ever knew of. I'd never suspect him, he is trustworthy and loyal. He hasn't cheated on me. Unless he had no conscience, and was a sociopath like my ex h, I'd not believe what he says. But he's always been trustworthy. He works hard. He is loyal to his own family. He is a good friend. But the romance is gone, he barely tolerates me.

Those were his words just recently. "I cant tolerate you."

It seems as though I have issues that attract men who aren't too good to me.

I've had enough time to know what I can and can't deal with.

I can't deal with living with him.

I hope we could resolve our problems. I really DON'T want any other man, that is my decision and it is final. So if WE can't resolve our issues, it will be over in the near future.

I do have hobbies, I do walk when I can, and I don't like church even though I have faith. I really appreciate this community support. Thanks to you all.