I have realized first of all that my doc of several years is a quack. He is by by and I am meeting new one on 17th. So, here goes. I can't help but be long winded, sorry.

1. As a child I was given a lot of pain as well as being neglected so my mind got confused about pain. It took me years to be able to define pain. Like oh I have a head ache.

2. So I learned more and more how to define pain within the last 12 years. As it happens I also have had more and more pain from a broken back in childhood mainly, but other things as well.

3. When I have to ask for help with pain I feel frightened. PTSD The mother did not ever believe me and I learned to play dead to keep my body, but also my soul alive. Today I fear I won't be believed and get teary just talking about the pain and asking for help. It didn't help that Dr. Quack saw that as an emotional thing that meant I did not have pain.

4. My pain is getting worse. I have multiple issues that I work very hard on with PT, massage, acupuncture. But I need more drug help as time goes by.

5. I get stuck in the fear and not being believed and guilty conscience thing. I have such a guilty conscience I often think people are going to think I am shop lifting and I never even have. Please, does that make sense? I worry the doc will think I want drugs to get high or won't believe me.

6. Our culture is such that the above dues happen. If docs can't say definitively that xyz are causing my pain they are hesitant to help me with it. People do drug seek to get high. It is a major problem. I do not.

7. I was referred to a rehabilitative Psychologist recently who is actually the one who suggested quite firmly that I leave Dr. Quack; He told me something old intelligent me never knew, methadone does not make you high. There is no high to get. I felt relieved to hear that. Like I was believed and vindicated.

8. I spoke with a pain specialist w/whom I used to work. She told me it was absolutely logical and normal and good practice to want extra meds for break through or new pain to have on hand. She also agreed that going to E.R. for pain management was not a good thing. They have to assess is you are drug seeking and you get more trauma. I feel it's humiliating to me. Last time I went, and for the first time ever I could not be silent with my pain. I moaned loudly. The whole E.R. could hear me and it took them an hour to give me a shot in the ***! HUMILIATION Not the *** part, the moaning and the waiting, the dependence.

9. Ahh, alas the largest issue. I hate depending on anyone for anything. I have to depend on a doctor to give me pain meds and what if they don't believe and all of the above. It is a major trigger for the PTSD. I have never been one to feel pain as others do. I can have a lot more pain then most peers and maybe not even notice and then it's so out of control I need major drugs to go back. it is better to keep pain managed rather then allow the peaks because then it takes more to manage it. Am I making sense?

Do you all get this? Do you have advice to offer? How do I approach new doc on pain? I really need new doc to believe me so I don't get PTSD triggered. I need them to know that I do everything I can to help with pain but I still have it and meds will need to be increased at times.

It's odd that when I go to large teaching hospital 1.5 hours from home I am treated with respect, never questioned. People are smiling there, they are so polite and compassionate. That is where my pain clinic is but they want you to have a primary to go back to for mainteinance so you can't use them if your primary is not on board.

FEEDBACK NEEDED! THANKS.