Over the last few weeks my over 40 self has become obsessed with a less than 21 year old male celebrity. I feel horrible about it particularly upon learning his mother is my age exactly.

I know intellectually I am not besotted with him as a human. It is just...

1. Most of the things I have seen him in he either has a great family or is completely normal and loves them. I also suspect this is the situation in real life. I know I really long for this. I have a family but they are all so broken and bizarre and damaged and never seem in anyway able to admit love for me. If they do love me... because truly I don't think I love them. They are a bizarre burden. Why can't they just be normal? I wish I just had a normal family and I wonder how it is that they are all abnormal. I so want to just have a close, normal, functional family.

2. Everything I see him in he is smiling and happy. That absolutely doesn't mesh with my life right now. I get the feeling he is a very positive person -- of course being a celeb at 21 with a normal family probably will make you grin from ear to ear -- but there is just so much in my life right now that is constantly misery. Everyone around me is just so negative and jaded, I literally feel like I have to come home and look at his photos to make me feel better.

3. I am inspired by him a lot of his positivity translates into ideas about being smart and being athletic. And though he is 21 so he can afford that... where I am in my life right now, EVERYONE is old, jaded, getting dumber and dumber and mostly all suffering from some sort of physical issue. Honestly it feels like once you hit 30 complaining about your body is like asking about the weather and I am so tried of it. I also am intellectually curious but everyone around me is busy with kids or care for family members and just could care less (or are too tried to) learn anything new. There is this attitude like once you hit your 40s you shouldn't try anything new but I want to it just isn't really supported.

I kind of feel like maybe this is normal. A lot of the older people where I work hire mostly young kids that are positive and bright and I kind of suspect this is why.

I kind of felt like this was wanting to back to my 20s but isn't that... my 20s weren't all that much better. It is that I want my 40's to be as positive and fun as this person's 20s appear to be.

Just wanted to rant a bit --