T yesterday. One of the most emotional sessions (read: crying) I'd had in there in a long time. Went back and sat down. T: "Well, apparently you survived Thanksgiving. At least the physical part of you. Guess I can't say psychologically." I smiled and said it was OK, shared some details about that.

Told him about successfully finishing 5K, and he seemed happy for me. Talked about that a few minutes, including me running in cold weather. Which led to discussion of his office policy in inclement weather (he's usually there). And of the winter forecast. Me: "Sorry, I'm sort of rambling." T: "It's OK, I'm rambling, too."

Me: "I was deciding what to talk about today. I think I need to talk more about ex-MC. He's been on my mind for some reason lately. And like today I let a song I associate with him play on shuffle, thinking I'd be OK, but then I ended up crying." T talked about the effect music can have on people, saying, "And I know you're a music person." He said that maybe the song made me think about the positive things from the relationship, and then it was like my brain kicked in and reminded me what had ultimately happened, and that's why I got upset. I said that made sense. How that and a few other songs, I associated with when the transference was mostly positive, how I'd leave session feeling all warm and fuzzy. But then it shifted and became more painful.

T said how I couldn't take that feeling home with me and I said kind of. Not in the sense of, if it was a friend or H, I could ask to meet them for lunch or talk the next day. But I said that at one point, it felt like I held ex-MC and his caring inside of me. But then after the rupture a year ago, it's like I didn't feel that anymore. And that's why I felt (after a few months) that we had to stop seeing him, because that feeling was gone and I couldn't really continue. Because it felt like a shell of what it had been.

T said that maybe it wasn't so much ex-MC himself that I missed, but the way he made me feel. He got the sense that ex-MC made me feel something that I'd been looking for since childhood. Me: "Yes, he made me feel truly accepted and understood." T said maybe I was grieving the loss of that feeling rather than the loss of ex-MC himself. I said I hadn't thought of it that way, but it made sense.

T also said he wondered if part of what I was struggling with was whether that feeling I got from ex-MC was real, based on how things turned out. I agreed. He said it sounded like complicated grief. I asked if that would explain why I seemed to randomly get emotional about it. He said yes.

I said I thought part of it was also that the anniversary of the rupture was coming up. But how maybe it's also just the holiday season, like I got a bit emotional driving back on Thanksgiving. Me: "I feel cheesy saying this, but in the past, on holidays, I'd be thinking of being thankful for ex-MC." T said wasn't cheesy, that he'd gotten thank-you emails from a few clients on Thanksgiving. I said I had thought a bit on that drive about being thankful for him (T), too, though didn't send an email.

We talked about how holidays can make people think more of people they'd lost and I mentioned my grandmother. I mentioned the email I'd sent to ex-MC and ex-T a few Christmases ago, after watching It's a Wonderful Life, where I said maybe they were both like my Clarence, my guardian angels. How in ex-MC's email reply, he'd seemed touched by it, but then in session, he said, "Oh I see, you're comparing me to a wingless angel, like a fallen angel, so like Satan?" T: "That sounds about like ex-MC's sense of humor." Me: "Yeah."

The song I'd been listening to that day came up again. Me: "It's really just the last line of the song that I associate with him. 'Nothing can touch us, my love.' But then something did...I guess...touch us. Most of the song isn't relevant, as it's about drinking, being drunk and feeling happy--but I guess being drunk is a fleeting feeling, too. Hm..." T: "Well,..I guess you could stay drunk." Me: "That's probably not a good solution." T: "No."

T asked if it was all songs by that artist that I associated with him, or other ones, too. I said that artist had a pretty big catalog, so there were plenty of their songs that I didn't associate with him. Though there were songs by a few other artists, too. T: "I was just wondering how many songs were in the ex-MC library."

He talked about how music can really bring us back to a moment. T: "My junior year college roommate and I probably listened to Pink Floyd's The Wall 200 times. So if I hear anything from that, it makes me think of that time." He said how smell can have a similar effect. And mentioned a former client who used to go with her ex-H to a restaurant where they baked their own bread. (Me: "Subway?") And since they split up, if she smells fresh-baked bread somewhere it upsets her, because it makes her think of the good times and worry she'll never have that with anyone again, or at least not that kind of trust.

I said maybe it was that way a bit with ex-MC. Since he was technically my first marriage counselor. T: "But he was more than that to you." Me: "Yes...And I know we've discussed whether it was a romantic thing...how you said that email I sent him seemed like a love letter, the 'let's run away together,' how you've compared it to a romantic breakup...And I don't really know what it was...." T: "Could one have an emotional affair without romance being part of it? I think so...not that I'm saying you had an emotional affair." Me: "I think I know what you mean...it was just confusing, because he seemed like other things to me, too."

I talked more about the feeling I got with ex-MC, the feeling accepted and understood. Me: "At times I've felt little moments of that with you. Which is good but also scary." T looked pleased to hear that, but I don't think he actually said anything.

Somewhere in there, T asked if I'd heard back from ex-MC, that he remembered how fairly recently I'd emailed him during a conflict I'd had with T, where I'd considered terminating. Me: "He didn't reply to my initial 'I miss your caring and being open about it' email, and he was probably right not to respond to that. But then I emailed again asking if he had recommendations for a T who was good with attachment, and he did reply to that, giving me a name. I had told him in that email that I had been really trying with you, and ex-MC said he realized and appreciated that. And then I ended up replying to his recommendation, saying you and I had come to an understanding, but I'd keep the name if I needed it in the future. And he didn't reply to that. Which is OK."

I made some offhanded comment about bad therapists, related to PC. T: "Are you saying that you think ex-MC was a bad therapist?" Me: "No, not really...I just wish he'd held stronger boundaries from the beginning. Or maybe not even that, if he'd been consistent with looser boundaries. Really, just been consistent with boundaries in general..." T agreed.

We were almost out of time. It came up again how I had felt the positive stuff fairly early on with ex-MC, how I'd had this certain image of who he was that ended up shifting near the end, and that was really difficult for me. Because I didn't know what to believe. T (joking): "I guess maybe it's good I set expectations a bit lower in the beginning with you then." Me: "Yeah, that's why you came off as really arrogant at first, right?" T: "Yes, it's like a chess match. But no,..I'm not smart enough to plan something like that out."

It was time to stop. We both got out our phones to schedule, but then kept talking for a couple minutes. T waited for me to look at my phone again to start the scheduling, like he wasn't trying to kick me out. Scheduled.

I went over to pay. Me: "I shouldn't shake your hand since D has a cold and I might be a carrier." T: "Plus I sneezed a little bit ago." Paid. I sort of waved to him. T: "It was good to see you." (Which...is exactly what ex-MC nearly always said as we were leaving, and which T has never said to me.) Me: "Uh, you, too." I held back more tears until I got to the car.