Well since I last talked about this. T has given me more homework. Like to make a list of things that make me happy. Which I did and I had quite a few things. He's had me try to make a routine in the morning to reflect on my day including some of those things that make me happy. I've done so so at this. I could do better.. because I know it was helping me focus more on my day and what I wanted to accomplish. I've even found a book of sorts called Writing My Life.. it asks you questions about your life and what you remember as a toddler, child , adolescent and adult. Alot of questions. But on some of those things.. its just too painful to remember them or I've blocked them in some way. So.. the book has been put aside. I had even started a gratitude journal... well.. I got a notebook for it.. but not wrote anything in it. Seemed like a good idea at first.

He had me do I AM statements.. because I was always saying I believe I am. He had me write down things I want to accomplish before my birthday next month. Well.. I did that too.. and I was so proud of myself for even thinking of some things. You'd think I could get something wrote down for this question he gave me at the beginning of this thread wouldnt ya?

But I keep having these same old feelings that I wrote about above.. and for some reason they are in my mind being validated. Let me put the points here that I made above to make it a bit easier to understand.

1. I dont feel I have what it takes to find or bring myself any happiness.
~ I give up to easily on things.. including myself. Not feeling worthy of good things in my life.

2.I think I am also scared off wanting to be happy because if I do attain it , somehow I will lose it.
~People in my life I've loved like my mom. I know I didnt attain her.. but I still lost her. She was the woman I wanted to be. And I've even failed her at that.

3 I am thinking that everything that I have enjoyed at one point in my life and that I did do to bring me happiness is no longer there. It either died, got taken away, or I have given it up in some way.
~ Again my mom
~ job I loved because of shoulder problems.
~ relationships that meant a great deal to me

4 Also I am afraid of whatever " might" bring me happiness I will in some odd or stupid way I will feel rejected by it, humiliated or screwed over. Whether it be because I made it too hard to attain ( too big a goal) over thinking , or putting too much emotion into finding it when its not there to begin with.
~ Things I thought I would be good at doing.. but others dont think I would be .
~asking for answers and even getting the courage up to ask for it is alone very hard for me to do. And not hearing back .
~ needing acceptance in a place I thought I belonged from a place that others are like me.
~ just in general.. feeling that others see something wrong with me but wont tell me what it is. Which in turn leaves me feeling more doubt in myself. More pain. And then bringing on more depression. and worthlessness. And yes maybe these things are what others call distorted thoughts.. or whatever.. but they are very very real to me . And I just dont know that I can put myself " out there" anymore to find out what the problem is. Or care enough to wanna know.

So how .. how do I figure out what I can do to make me happy and how I am responsible for it.. when I feel I've tried and tried to find answers and I've been given up on. Or I've given up on myself.

I HONESTLY dont know what else to do here.