Thank you all for your responses. Yes, I do journal and I turn them in to my T every week. Then, the next week if I have written something and we have not talked about it he asks me questions from the journal. I will see him tomorrow - he knows of my wish to die and I have promised him I would not do anything but sometimes the desire to not go on is just so strong. I also know my husband is a major part of my problem right now in addition to the rest of my "stuff". I have tried talking to him about it and he is trying. I know that he, too, is depressed and very afraid and needy and wants me to fulfill all his needs and I can't do that. I can't even fulfill my own. I want him to go with me to see my T but so far that has not happened. Everyone at work today has noticed how down I look (my mask has slipped today, I guess). Anyway, that you all for your concern and your input. It helps me to know that others care and see the problems I am facing in the same light that I see it. Yes, I was very frightened of my mother as a child and when she first came back from the psych ward when I was 12 she was pretty much a zombie with no personality. My father was absent and we (my brother and I) could never do anything to completely please him. We were not allowed to show anger or sadness, there was no hugging or touching in our family. I learned about families by watching my friends and wishing I had been born into one of their families instead of mine. I guess it is just my karma that I have had to work through all of these issues but I hurt so badly inside and I don't, ultimately, know what I am going to do. I do have a super T and a super pdoc (who also does therapy with me monthly when I go in to get my prescription refilled). He normally spends about 20 minutes with each patient but he has been spending 40 with me. He wants me to get T twice a week but my insurance will not pay for it. I only get 20 sessions a year although last year he went to bat for me and got me 40 some odd (it took him several days and many hours to work his way through the bureaucracy and get me the sessions I needed. I will tell him tomorrow how I have been feeling (and I left the message on his recorder how concerned I am for myself right now). Thank you all - you have been a great help.