After saying hi, we started discussing my job search. One company let me work with them for half a day to see how it fits me. I'm very interested in the work they do, but it's further away from home, 30 minutes travel time. T wanted to know what the company does exactly, which I tried to explain. We talked for a bit about me having difficulties deciding between that company and another one that just offered me a job today. When I told him about the offer, he was like 'Oh, they offered you a job? You don't say...'. Felt like giving him an ironic answer but didn't.

We got quiet after a while. I said that I didn't have a lot of time to continue reading the book we'd been talking about. I thought a bit about what we had discussed on Friday. I had realized that I did a similar thing with my partner a while back. But not anymore. T mentioned that we had discussed how there has to be some reason for me doing this, some kind of benefit. He asked me again what I thought that might be. I said it's different from person to person. With my partner, it's that I wanted him to know I'm suffering. But I also wanted him to suffer at the same time. T asked whether I wanted to share the pain, or whether I wanted him to be the only person suffering. I said the second one is more accurate. It was during a difficult time in our relationship.

T asked what's the reason for doing it in therapy. I said it happens when I have difficulties talking. There was some silence again. I think he said some things, but I can't remember what. He asked me what was happening for me. I replied first I had thought about problems with my partner, then I got sad. Then angry. Angry at my partner? No, at myself. Why? I said I felt like talking about things, but couldn't. After being quiet for a bit, I said I'd like to talk about it... He asked about what, something happening right now, something from the past?

It was from the past. I started with something, but I can't remember the exact phrasing. I told T about how my partner had cheated on me a while back while being gone for some sort of camp. I figured out by looking at pictures online of the camp. I tried calling him about 30 times before he picked up. When he finally did pick up, I yelled at him and he went back to his hotel room. He broke up with me at that point. Then a few days later he came back to the country, I picked him up from the train station. We discussed everything at his place and I was allowed to sleep at his place. The next morning we ended up sleeping together. From there on it was really complicated. He continued having contact with the other girl and at the same time I lived with him. After a while, he invited her over while I was there, she called her ex for a few hours in our bedroom while we watched TV in the kitchen. At some point she started to cry and I went over to comfort her and hugged her. A few days after, my partner essentially decided she was too much work and wanted to get back together, but have it at the same time such that he could go after other girls whenever he wanted to.

T mentioned how that was probably very hard for me. How on the one hand I was probably so scared of being alone that I agreed to stay with my boyfriend, but on the other hand I was probably angry and disappointed. He said he didn't want to think too much for me, but whether that seemed accurate? I nodded and cried. He asked me why I had a hard time starting to talk about it earlier. I said it was because it hurts. He asked what hurts so much and I said it hurts to at first be left and hurting over that, then having a crush on the girl your partner left you for, then staying with a guy because you're scared even though you question whether you like guys at all. T was shortly surprised by me falling in love with that woman, but he didn't question it too much.

He asked whether I had been angry. I told him about how I destroyed our front door at some point because I got mad. But I stayed because I was too scared of being alone, of not having anyone. I cried some more. T asked what I was thinking about. I said if I'd be normal, I would probably currently live with a girlfriend in some home that I like and have had five partners before that. But now... I feel happy currently, but I still feel like it could have been different. He agreed with me, saying how other women would have probably told a cheating partner to leave and if they were gay, they would have found another woman they liked. He said it's okay to be sad about this and asked me whether I could feel sadness. I couldn't really. He said how that was okay, to just say how it is. I cried more. Sometimes he talked, he said it would be okay to be sad. I told him I feel empty. He said that's okay and to just accept the way I feel. We talked about the switching moods for a bit. He also asked whether it could be that my brain interferes to much with my feelings. Whether I think of certain things too often and it prevents me from really feeling my emotions. I agreed that this could be a factor, though I was not thinking a whole lot at that point.

I cried some more and we continued talking about my relationship for a while. Then he said we should wrap up. I was still crying at that point so I asked whether I could have a minute to collect myself. He said sure and asked whether I wanted a tissue. He got up and brought me one. He waited for me to clean up a bit and to put on my shoes. The he asked whether I was still up for our session on Friday. Of course I was. We shook hands and he asked whether I still had enough of my medication and all that. I said yes, although I felt it was just some question to make me feel a bit more normal, he had just written a prescription a few days back, of course I'm not out by now. But it was still nice, it helped transition back to the outside world.