Would I have stayed with Fred
If he were a total villain:
Of course not, I wasn't masochistic.
I did not believe we were
Put on the earth to suffer.
The question is if I had
Good friends, would they
Have persuaded me to
Live the life I fought so
Hard to strive for before rehab.
That I was the last one
In my group - aside from Reggie
Who they expected would
Give up their hopes for a guy.
But it was not my health treatment
While in hospital that changed me;
It was the stigma that got
Inadvertently heaped on me.
I could feel peoples attitude
Change towards me and I
Could see the malice
Behind the smiles and
I know I was a hot topic of gossip.
It was like I witnessed the
True face of humanity.
That people loved to see
A tragic story just as much
As they loved rags to riches.
Six years after hospital
I nearly made it through
Eight months at a respectable job.
And then I was rumbled.
And I vowed never to
Go back to rehab.
I would rather die.
But again something in me changed.
And I subconsciously decided
From there on in:
I would oppose the machine.
I am not being dramatic
When I say that was
Really my only option.
In this life and times; day and age
Society is not ready
To accept mental health
Like a physical spell of ill health.
And I knew from my
First stint in rehab.
Fred knew the truth.
Why try and gloss over it.
That is why I think
He knew it was crunch time
And we finished.
We couldn't erase the
Fact I had been to hospital.
Not in this town.
Fred never brought
Up any buzz words.
He skirted around the
Truth most of the time.
But he liked to get drunk.
And he only said ward fou-wer
When drunk. Saying ward number Four,
Was frightening enough
When you come from
Where I am from.
Fred had to be drunk
Or ultra stressed before
He let it slip. And I think
He was not proud
Of himself for saying it.
It was a ward in a hospital.
Ward number four.
Throw salt over
Your shoulder so
Nobody you know ends
Up in there if
You happen to be superstitious.
And when I bumped
Into an old classmate
They said your
Not in there now, phew.
It's like a jinx phrase
From a Harry Potter novel.
He who must not be named.
The ward number you
Must not say. Four.
Not thirteen. Four.
We tried to make
A go of it and I do not
Regret our time together.
In the dvd shop
Fred was speaking to
A work mate and I could
See his wife grinning
From ear to ear.
So that's the crazy lady,
Is what my mind
Automatically jumps to.
I just had to ignore it.
Otherwise Fred would
Accuse me of being paranoid,
Or getting "worked up over nuhin."
So when my boss made
Digs like ooh you never
Ate that appetizing looking
Orange in your box.
I just smile and
Change the subject.