I learned something about an ex of mine just recently, which has brought thoughts on the relationship to the surface all over again, and I feel IMMENSE SHAME over ever having chosen to be with this person... to begin with.

I don't know how to cope with these feelings. I have moved on, I am happy and as most of you know, I am engaged to be married. Everything is great in that respect.

But what I learned about this person is devastating to my self-esteem right now.

I am wondering:

HOW could I have been so desperate to be with such a low life of a person?????

WHY IN THE WORLD did I let him move in with me?!?!? I should have known FAR better!!!!

Yes, I've been through this already. But what I learned now has sent me reeling. What I just found out is he was massively abusing DXM just before I moved him to be with me. This was unbeknownst to me!

HAD I KNOWN THIS (WHICH HE KEPT SECRET), I NEVER WOULD HAVE MOVED HIM IN WITH ME. THEN I NEVER WOULD HAVE HAD TO GO THROUGH THE HELL I DID GO THROUGH WITH HIM.

I may as well have just picked some random guy up off the streets!!! DXM?!?! C'mon. What the hell.

I feel SO freaking ashamed of myself.

It has been a long time now, over a year, and I have been over it.... I have run over this ground many times now.

But this????? HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SOOOOOOO INCREDIBLY STUPID? ARGH!!!!!

He was slurring his words even on the phone with me, and I believed his lies that it was side effects from medications he was taking!!!! That's probably the REAL reason he was kicked out of his home!!!! He lied about that too.

This too shall pass, but once again, I am kicking myself.

I never wish to think of his name or that experience ever again. I wish to forget it entirely and remove it from my brain. I must have been a different person.