On meds I always crashed hard except the one time when they changed my meds before I managed to crash and I came down fine from that one. All others have been fairly catastrophic crashes ending with attempts.

I suppose I dont seem to be any different off meds, I was hoping I would be better.

I didnt hate lithium and welbutrin so much. I mostly just wanted off the depakote at first but pdoc said no. But the lithium gave me tremors when using fine motor skills like cutting a paper or putting toothpaste on a toothbrush. And the welbutrin makes me very sick to my stomach so I just quit it all hoping it would be a positive thing. I cant be shaky if I want to be a paramedic but of course I cant be unstable either.

Its easier to ignore the instability though because I feel so confident so Im able to really make good plans and follow through.

Uh I dont know Im screwed no matter what I do. Nice life