Thanks all. I appreciate the posts. It's not easy to get out of this rabbit hole. I've tried for many years. The hope is pretty much non existent. The negative self-talk defeats me every time. For example, after a number of weeks not applying for a job, I one day would be charged to try again, and I send out a number of applications, but then I receive rejection letters if anything at all, and that is enough to knock me down again, and to trigger the self-defeating talk that I'm worthless to everyone in this world. This is also true when I reach out to others, and faced with cold interactions. I feel everyone is treating me like I am an extra burden to them. And when I try to improve myself by reading/doing something, I quickly give up, because I would be full of doubt that I would never succeed in achieving anything worthy. This is how I live my life everyday. I don't have confidence in myself at all. I don't talk to people because I think I would say something stupid, and then they would know I am worthless.