Maybe it's situational? I don't want my medication adjusted. I'm scared. I just need a good T. I know I'm safe but I don't feel I am. I'm flipping out but only inside. I don't want to up my lamictal or Zyprexa. I like that I only see her every 3-4 months. My head is spinning. It's loud. I'm chickening out. So is my husband. He was suppose to call for a ride for Tuesday and never did. I don't want to go. I'm so scared right now. I'm not going to move from this seat.

I'm thinking about starting a mood/thought chart and highlighting the "bad" things. Last time I did that in FL I almost got sent to IOP and told I'm a suicide risk. When it wasn't that bad at all for me. I know if I ever go back to a T S/He they need to know I'm a suicide risk and that I have odd thoughts from the get go.

I'm not going to be healed by Tuesday. What if she wants to see it? How do I tell her about me without telling on my husband? He's coming to the session with me. Am I under medicated? I know I can't add to it because that will look bad. I'm thinking of taking another Zyprexa. I wish I didn't have to go out Monday or Tuesday. I'm going to feel like I'm telling on Miguel Monday. Then tell on my husband Tuesday. This is insane. I know we need help but I also want to keep everything to ourselves. I'm sure if we would just try things would be different. I know T thought that. Maybe drugs aren't the answer. I need more time. Maybe I can stay at the same dosage and actually ****in try.

Then I think

I took a Zyprexa.