i am so pissed. i hate my body. i hate my clothes. i hate my job, my coworkers, i hate the taste of food, i hate the way my skin feels against my soul, i hate the cold air, the feeling of clothes on my skin, i hate everything about everything. i think i am a horrible excuse for a female and mother. i hate the feeling of guilt... i have excessive feelings of guilt right now, for no reason! i have so much anger, and disgust inside me that i feel numb, i am spacing out. i want to dissapear. i can do nothing about this. cant pick myself up. i feel like i am on the verge of being catatonic. so much dissatisfaction with my internal and external environment. a fire engine just drove by blowing its siren and i got startled and super irritated. but irritated is not even the word. its so much worse. i fear myself. i hate myself. i hate life. i hate the idea of ending life. i hate it i hate it i hate it.
and all this time my expression on my face is straight. my eyes are glazey, i cant frown i cant smile. i am a robot. i am a cold, calculating, plotting psycho.
i dont even know what my problem is. i dont know what label would describe this state. i feel so terribly worried, so guilty, so awful. i have a sense of doom and panic. what the hell is this silent rage? this silent panic? this silent guilt. i cant function. i am so worthless. so mad at myself that i am such a useless member of society. i am a waste. i feel like my mind is turned inside out. and i try to turn it back around but it hurts. gives me a headache i try so hard to fix this. to fight this. i am so weak against this. what a cruel trick! just a cruel %#@&#! joke.... this headache the torture of mind bending confusion. i cant even understand myself! i know i can think well sometimes. i can solve complex problems, i can see the answer quickly, and i can think so deeply.... but its full of fog, thick mucusy fog. its mucus... my brain is full of it. must be an infection. must be why it hurts when i think too hard. i have an infection in my brain!