s to all.

Been doing good today ...
I think I may be still doing whatever I do naturally. anyways

I felt dead earlier.

Even Though I did get up this morning, early I did a horrible job with really being ready today. Forgot things. Went to work. Felt like an outcast (a group of people " didn't like me" I strongly felt and thought) tried best with the distorted thoughts... but not much luck besides I have dxs right?

Earlier I just felt so dead off and on.. like in and out, I was "sober" at that time..
Well, it's Friday I got high a bit after I left work, which at the same dose that made a bit high today- I've been in a dump and it's has helped me be a bit more "normally functioning ".

And I realize -"tisk tisk "- per some.. but I got a little high, I haven't in a week or more, and I didn't get stoned... haven't gotten high as it's just hasn't appealed to me ((but continued to microdose with cannabis CBD/THC mixture (which means: an alternative way of medicating and being a Guinea pig))....
I do have my days that I wonder about cannabis, but I recall even being told with pharma drugs I'd still have the swings & be a Guinea pig by a few pdocs.... and I realize this supports last pdocs statement of "canabis dependency", but every time I go off cannabis (sarcastic me saying right now-because I am an addict right?), but I am 100% worse..
my ex has seen me do this many times over the last 9 years.. and while he doesn't use cannabis himself, he is an outside observer that has seen it help me.

I've struggled for a while now, calling myself an addict, etc (even though I don't do hard drugs these days, and heck with my back I could legally go get a bunch of pills..but those mess with me even and I don'twant to.. i would rather use cannabis for that as I have..
I have had regular doctors tell me- "you're not an addict" after I talk with them about all my drug abuse in the past but how I am today.. but my dads echoing words that he would see me nothing more than an addict.. well they some times ring in my head as truth)... I am addicted to nicotine though.. ((cigs are so hard to quit for me as well)).

my last T really helped me see this as "me finding what works for me". Where I am at the cannabis is legal, so I am not breaking the law (any more).

Last T and I agreed that getting stipid high every day , or getting high due to bordum, isn't beneficial... with me there's been benefits with once in a while; along with microdosing daily. I honestly do feel it helps the ptsd swings.for sure.. and I am still learning, as the industry grows more forms and dosing comes along.

I am sorry that I feel I must explain myself to you all here. I know It's unconventional, and yes high sativa can really mess with me... but the meds I've tried mess with me too. Any ways..
Maybe I am just dooming myself, but some things One must learn on their terms and times, right?

Today, Even did work after " clocking out " and at home with an "urgent matter"... and I am sorry, but not. because I had left work and was done with my time when I left .. the "stoner" fixed the issue and also tried to guide on how to prevent things in the future.."Yay". not stoner, me.. I did that.. I didn't even claim this extra work time (because things will balance out).

Later in the day I cleaned up and moved around items my bedroom (it looks less cluttery- that's a true YAY) .. still working on living room a bit, will finish that tomorrow. My cat will have more places to lounge about, which makes me happy.

I even cooked today
Played music, played game... maybe too long...

Though I am a bit wired right now- but I had coffee in the afternoon, and yes while I am not high any more this could be part of residual effects.

Got some tea and will put on some meditation music and try to sleep.