Sorry, this is long... I have a lot of feelings about being "special"

Something about me evokes a lot of countertransfence in therapy and often strong feelings from teachers/professors/doctors/whoever.
Being "special" to a few specific people in those roles has given me some really meaningful relationships and support during difficult parts of my life. But far more often than not it was detrimental. It's a lot of pressure. Fear of disappointing then. Fear that I've manipulated them into thinking I'm better than I am. Fear of hurting them. Feeling like my feelings shouldn't matter because I'm somehow different and expected to be better.

I told my current T early on about my last countertransference disaster and how important it was to me to have boundaries I could trust.

When the social worker from the ER called my T and he was terminating because of my SH, I told him that social worker had told me how "special" I was. I was saying it with bitterness. He started to say that she'd told him that too and that he had agreed with her.
I told him not to say that. I didn't want to be special. Special is the word people use when they realize you're not going to get better, no matter how much they wish you could. So then they convince themselves that you're special so the universe doesn't seem so unfair. Sure, you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life, but you're special.

The commonly used treatments work for most people. I want the stuff that works for everyone else to work for me. I'm tired of being an outlier. I don't want to be special, I want to be happy, or at least okay.

Yes, I still want to be special to him. It's a difficult and probably impossible balance of needing to matter to him but needing to not matter too much.
If I'm special to him, I don't want to know. And if I'm not special to him, I don't want to know that either.