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Wow! I actually found the journal entry I was thinking of. I used to always journal in preparation for my psychiatrist appointments. The following is an entry I wrote on March 19, 2012. That was a bit of a rough time for me.
"I've been a bit perplexed by things lately. I've noticed some strange thinking. I don't know if it is because I have too much time on my hands and my mind is playing tricks on me, or what.
About 3.5 weeks ago (for 3 days) I thought a little devil was living in my garage. It didn't scare me too much because I thought that if I didn't go in the garage I would be OK. So when I needed more soda for the fridge I sent my husband (the devil wouldn’t go after him). He knew of my fear. When I was a child I saw the devil in a mirror (in the dark) instead of my face. He glowed bright red. At the time I was at my friend’s house so I cried and begged her mother to call mine to pick me up. To this day, I sometimes wonder if that was true, but I tell myself it likely wasn't.
Last week, I went to a concert to see the NY Philharmonic play 2 Beethoven and 1 Stravinsky symphony. My mind was so immersed in thoughts that I could hardly make out the first symphony, nor much of the second because of interference. I kept seeing a man in the row in front of me turning his head towards me in the dark. He did that numerous times. I believed he heard my thoughts and that I was interrupting his ability to enjoy the concert. By the time intermission was over my thoughts weren’t as interruptive. I enjoyed the last symphony and stopped believing the man had ESP.
I know we just recently talked about my musical hallucinations and Tegretol. I hadn’t had them for quite a long time, but coincidentally, I've had about 4 as well as hearing radio DJ conversation with multiple DJs. The conversations are garbled. It was as if they were on a transistor radio.
On Thursday, something charged me up. I wrote a letter to Kay Redfield Jamison at Johns Hopkins University. At times I started getting nervous that I would receive her response in the mail that same day. That happened twice. I haven't even sent the letter. Now I'm thinking of not sending it because I'm afraid of her quick response. Some of my questions are rough, and could be interpreted as criticisms. I brought the letter in case we have time to discuss my questions. I haven’t finished revising it. There are a few things that most certainly need to be deleted. The copy I have is the first draft without revisions.
I’ve had obsessive thoughts for quite a while now (months). I’ve mentioned this before, but it is getting worse. Perhaps it is from having too much time on my hands and being lonely during the day. I don’t know. It involves dreaming up stories, replaying them over and over again. Repeating phrases. Modifying them a bit to form new scenarios, etc. Sounds innocent? The thing is, however, is that I spend hours per day having these thoughts. Is this normal for someone in my situation? Most of the time the thoughts involve the same characters. Most thoughts are highly pleasurable. They are continuing to this day."
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