The thing is I can notice the urge to be manipulative and have to intentionally resist it and there are still times I let myself give in to the urge a bit. So then I don't know how much is me being manipulative subconsciously. Like maybe I convince myself that certain things are true or that I feel a certain way to manipulate others ???

I've found it's a really common fear among borderlines. Not that it's necessarily exclusive to bpd and I'm not saying you have bpd, but I was really relieved when I found the bpd side of tumblr a few years ago and realized that I wasn't the only one who felt that way (among other things I thought were just me).