Quote:
Originally Posted by Hbrownflooring92
Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts with me on this. I agree that over this last week it has daunted on me quite a bit and I didn't want to discuss it with friends or family so they wouldn't view the situation in a negative way. I took to this forum as I saw alot of what appears to be genuine people chipping in. While the amount of people raised the flag to if we shared the same views, I am torn due to what caused it to take place.
As I mentioned, that past behavior happened 3+ years ago and and all occured over a 1 year time span. Since then, she has not gone back down that parth or returned to that behavior, in fact, she has constantly shown remorse. At my age (27) i"ve been around all types of people. People who are okay with casual sex, people who are against it ect. I can tell from the year and a half we've spent together and from the deep talks we've had that she is ashamed of it and that she does not condone it. She admits that at the time she knew that it was wrong and that she was ashamed of it. That she struggled feeling that she wasn't good enough for anyone or that no one would ever want her - and while drinking, when guys showed her attention, she "felt wanted". Then she said the rest of the evening (and sometimes day after) was spent moping around or laying in bed ashamed of herself. As I mentioned, we have had quite a few open talks as I wanted to really build her worth and make sure she now (3 years) later has the confidence she needs to not fight those thoughts.
I guess i was just thrown off because of how much we are alike and then to find out that occured. I know everyone shares different views and I'm not trying to come across as bashing or saying one person is right or wrong. Meeting her and seeing that she didn't use foul language, dress provactively, and having talks and sharing similar morales was all win win in my book. I also found comfort in how "inexperienced she was". I could tell that she had not been comfortable enough with those 'drunk regrets" to gain actual experience or experiment. I'm the type of person who finds comfort knowing I'm the first for certain things (and maybe that is a sign of immaturity on the topic).
Regardless of if I choose to move forward with her or not, I think this is an issue that needs addressas it has impacted my last 2 relationships too. In the past, I worked very hard to save myself for marriage (based on personal preference). While I stayed strong for many years, I did struggle for a few months 2 years ago and while drinking, worked my way up to 8 partners. I know the type of person I am and that I do not want casual sex, so I feel like how can I pass judgement or claim her to be a type of person?
Once again I really appreciate each one of your responses. You're taking the time out of your day to listen to me vent and to offer advice and I sincerely appreciate it.
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Ok. It was 3 years ago. It was her reaction to a traumatic experience she had. They were mostly drunk encounters, she felt and still feels guilt and remorse about it. She even seems a bit inexperienced. She is a completely different person now.
I think you had a certain perception of who she was (she may have seemed a perfect fit for the woman you've always wanted) and you learned something about her that shattered your perception of who she is/was. It left you surprised and disappointed. You can relate to her because you have gone through a brief period yourself where you did something similar but you can't bare the thought of 16 other men being able to say they had those experiences with her. But I can assure you; (especially if this was 3 years ago, and this woman is dealing with and overcoming her past herself, and is a completely different person now, yet you struggle with coming to terms with this detail about her,) it is something you have to work on within yourself.
I think you are right about it being an insecurity/ immaturity thing or plain and simply, this might just not be the right person for you. There are men who have married pornstars, ex strippers, women with all kinds of pasts who could care less about what others say or their wife's reputation. Also, a woman who has gone through something traumatic and deals with memories of her past, would better fit with a man who can reassure her that her past does not matter. You need to seriously answer if you're that kind of person. If you want to be for her, then just give yourself some time, and let maturity come with age and experience. I am just worried for you that any little thing will happen sometime in the future, for example if you guys meet up with someone she had a fling with and then you wind up feeling uncomfortable and questioning her (to yourself) again... or eventually years down the line you come to realize you guys are not right for each other. However, if this is something you really want to get to the root of and overcome (as you say it has affected to of your past relationships) focus on yourself. Also wisdom comes from learning from the experiences of others. If you don't come upon a man who may be with a woman with a past, who can speak from first person experience, you can always read some books, scour the internet for some life stories, something should make you see that someone having a brief wild moment in their early 20s really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, or in the full expanse of a lifetime, if that person has truly changed.