My Support Forums - View Single Post - Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

LabRat27 · Dec 01, 2018, 05:48 PM

I hate this stupid longing
This is the thing I'll never quite be able to bring myself to verbalize to you. I'll never know whether this would be the thing that finally crossed the line.

Possible trigger:

I want you to hold me. As I lie awake in bed feeling alone and scared and unlovable I imagine laying my head on your chest and having you wrap your arms around me.
It feels creepy and invasive, like I have no right to be imagining this. Like you would feel violated by this.

You once again brought up ten year old me and how I'd react to her. You spoke about the other part of me, the part of me that wouldn't want to hurt her, you said the part of me that would want to wrap my arms around her and comfort her...
I've never used that term with you. I've never expressed a desire to physically comfort anyone, and never directly expressed the desire to be held.
Does that mean those are the instincts it would evoke in you?

Possible trigger:

Have you ever had the urge to do that with 23 year old me? I don't want to ask because I'm worried the answer would be "no, never" or "of course not" or anything else that makes me feel like I'm not innocent or hurt enough to deserve that. That those protective and nurturing instincts are reserved for children.
And I'd be worried you'd think I was hoping you'd act on it.
No matter how much I may want it, I would be very angry if you crossed those boundaries with me. You know how detrimental that would be to me. That trust is the reason I came back to work with you again.
So I'm not asking you to hold me. But I'd feel better if it wasn't that you'd never wanted to.
I'd feel less disgusting and ashamed.