It's hard to say because I don't know what kinds of things you emailed him about, how often you emailed, and what sorts of responses you received from him. I think these are all relevant. My therapist usually responded to my emails, but I rarely emailed him. The entire 17 months I saw him, I think I only emailed him five times. And once was for scheduling. There was on email he didn't respond to, probably because he didn't think there was really anything he could say to that. And I didn't really expect him to respond either so it didn't bother me when he didn't.

The same goes for texts. He usually responded to my texts, but I rarely texted except for scheduling. And when I sent non-scheduling texts, I can usually predict whether he would respond.

I don't like it when people have blanket rules, such as never responding to emails or never allowing hugs. I don't believe that hugs and emails are things that don't offer real solutions to problems. Hugs are a means for connection. They are not meant to solve problems. For me, hugs with my T reflected the nature and closeness of our relationship. In the first year of therapy, I think we only hugged three times, and only the last one felt real. But, at some point, we started hugging at the end of every session, and that was also the point when we became very close in our relationship. The hugs did not solve any problems. They were not meant to. They were a nice thing that both reflected our closeness and made us feel closer. People hug because hugging feels good. Not because it solves problems.

As for emails, like I said, I only ever sent five. (I'm counting the initial emails only, not when I responded to his response with "thanks" or "that works, I'll see you then.") One was for scheduling. One was a one-sentence expression of pure despair that really didn't require a response. Two I sent right after ruptures, when I felt like I needed to explain myself or talk about the rupture and couldn't wait until the next session. Did his response solve problems? I would say yes. The first of the two emails I sent right before Thanksgiving last year, and his response meant I didn't have to spend all of Thanksgiving miserable. The second email I sent after an even worse rupture, and, in that email, I asked him to help me stop therapy. That was the closest I ever came to quitting. In his response, he basically asked me to stay. That email exchange was the turning point in our relationship. So did it solve a problem? I would say yes. It would have been horribly cruel of him to just not respond to that email and make me wait until the next session to talk about it in person.

The fourth email, in case you're curious, was a poem I sent him while drunk. This was after I knew he was dying. The poem was quite embarrassing, and his response was that I needed to tell him those things in person, which was fair. I don't think that response solved any problems, but it wasn't meant to. It was just a normal human thing to do.

So I rarely sent him frivolous emails. Occasionally, I would text him something that could perhaps be described as frivolous. Usually it's just a bid for connection, and he usually responded to them although not always. Did his responses solve problems? Probably not. It's true they only made me feel better temporarily, but it's just a nice thing to do, imo. Also, I rarely texted him. Had I texted him all the time, I'm sure he would have stopped responding for the most part. I don't think he would have stopped responding altogether. But he probably would just not respond most of the time. That's my guess.

I often go back and read our email and text exchanges, and I'm actually surprised by how infrequently I contacted him between sessions. I really wish I texted/emailed him more often so I'd have more to read now. But I was always so well behaved. I kind of regret it now, but it was probably the right thing to do at the time.

I don't know if my long-winded response answers your question. This is just my take on the therapeutic relationship. I agree with your T that the relationship is the therapy. But I also think people should behave normally in this relationship, as long as it's not overboard. For example, if you have a friend you don't see often and they occasionally text you something frivolous, you will most likely respond if you want to keep said friendship going, right? It's just a bid for connection, and it's normal. Obviously, if they texted you 20 times a day every day, you might stop responding as much because you have other things to do.

I don't believe in creating weird, arbitrary bright-line rules in therapy, such as never responding, never hugging, etc. I think it forcibly makes the relationship too artificial. Anyway, just my two cents.