I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. Toggling between feeling numb and feeling down is exhausting. Despite what the negative voices may be telling you, you do deserve to feel heard and understood, not to mention being helped.

I get the sense that you may feel that therapy won't give you what you need. I apologize if that's not what you meant, but I can relate to that feeling. I'm wondering what you path you may want to take to try and relieve some of the distress you are in. It's okay to not know. Sometimes trying to tease out what we might find helpful can help us get closer to asking for what we need from those in our lives.

I think it's good that you had the courage to reach out on here. I hope you find it to be helpful.